".....SEE I WAS BORN A POET AND I'LL DIE A POET, AND THAT'S REAL" JILL SCOTT
WELCOME TO THE WORLD WHERE MUSIC AND POETRY ARE FUSED TOGETHER...THIS IS MY LIFE IN MOTION. EVERYDAY YOU WILL WATCH ME FALL IN LOVE WITH WORDS.
this is how I know....I'm not all weird and crazy in the head. When I recieve confirmation within my spirit that the person God is molding and shaping me into is not far off...In a random conversation that started out about Yoga excercises, and the practice of it...a good friend wrote these words to me.
"I've said this to other people, but I've never said this to you. You have something, not sure what it is, but God has given you something special. If you can figure out what that is, the rest of the world is going to welcome you with open arms."
And so I don't plan to make this blog long. I'm in Columbus, relaxing at home, enjoying the great company of my mother, father, and good friends and doing what feels right. I'm taking the time to center my mind body and spirit. I'm searching for Ma'at (Balance) and I acknowledge how wonderful and amazing I truly am, flaws and all. It feels good to sit down and just take a moment to breathe....
Quote of the day~
"Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned."
-- unknown
Writing takes so much discipline. So I'm going to listen to my spirit and write about my experience tonight at the class "Conversations That Matter: Spiritual Sexuality". This class that I decided to join (which I sort of had insight on the course prior to attending, due to having a close relationship with the women who are teaching the class)is not your ordinary erotica/sex party, but an actual engagement of like minds who are open to discuss intimate conversations and conduct actual acts that involve a certain level of a.) maturity b.) desire to gain an understanding of sexuality through understanding the essence of a spirit man/spirit woman c.) being open to discover the beauty of one's inner power to heal another being through the source of their energy. I'm sure I did a horrible job of giving a synopsis on the course, but I was blown away by tonight. It was actually balanced with the number of men and women who attended, but most importantly everyone was open and willing to share their experience. Without getting to in depth (what I learned tonight is that alot of what we experience on a physical level can't even really be captured through words, which is in esssence the art of Tantra)tonight was very liberating for me, one because I've been on the self-work journey for awhile in truly understanding Naki and what I consist of on a spiritual/physical/mental (mind,body,soul). I intimately (into me see) want to get to the level of having that full knowledge and understanding of me being, and I know that this must come by acknowledging that I'm a spiritual being first. So with that being said, I had an amazing night being myself, being open, being intimate with both men and women, engaging in stimulating dialogue that allowed the transfering of positive energy but most importanly a healing took place for me, through the natural sexual energy of my being. It was quite interesting that before the class, I had an intersting conversation with a man who I once had thought I had been intimate with(please do not confuse this with intercourse) but because I value the nature of time, space, and energy to allow him in the closeness of my being whether to share a kiss or a hug meant something very special to me, but to him nothing. And what I realized is that not every man deserves to recieve the power of my touch. I felt so honored tonight to have a complete stranger tell me that just for me to even look in his eyes was replenishing to his soul. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can no longer allow for any man to occupy or hold the very things that are sacred to me. I know the power of my touch...what the holding of my hand means. The laying of hands on a back, the rubbing of the temples, the connecting of fingertips, the embrace of a hug....I know, and for some reason I have allowed others who are so out of touch with thier own spirit man/inner god to overshadow the strength and power of my WOMBman. So yes if you are reading this....I went deep tonight...I deemed it necessary to revive the inner freak in me(wink!!!!!!!!). Bold and confident I am....that one day I will come to know my helpmate as intimately as I am coming to know myself.~REAL SLOW~
About a month ago, a good friend of mine reached out to me for a request for his 35th birthday celebration that will be held this Thursday at the Ice Bar/Restaraunt here in Toledo, OH. The request was for me to write a spoken word piece/poem for this event and read it in front of his guest, alot of them I know personally, but it was so significant because he wanted me to write about life and the beauty that we should come to know in our own journeys. Once again, I experienced a moment where I felt like God was speaking to me and telling me, "Naki, think about why I'm having Keith ask you to write this?"....
so after much thought and feeling so unprepared or unexperienced to write a piece of this caliber, tonight I was able to push past all the tension and find the words to put together to capture what was a true and destined assignment. I doubt that I will have this poem memorized by Thursday, but I will do my best to get most of it down. Please open your hearts to recieve these words...Happy Birthday Keith a.k.a. (PM, hahaha...only you and I can get away with calling each other porch monkey and darkie...it's our inner child). One day I know the world will know you for your great wisdom, impactful words, and great humor. You are my favorite comedian. Kool Keith rocks!!!!Thank you for believing in my gift and supporting me throughout the years homeslice. This one is for you. Peace
watch this hilarious video of Keith!!!!!!! (grab some tissues folks)
Live,Laugh,Love~
I suppose that when I arose This morning That my very first breath taken Was to acknowledge The creator, for in that moment I realized that I had An entire 24 hours to live, Once more, I’m sure To give what dwells within My spirit, I’m convinced This is the inner truth Spoken, I can hear it Pour through my heart Seep through my pores Everyday when my eyelids open I will call it an Encore.
What if we had it backwards And our life experience was All a dream, would you be Satisfied with your creative Thought? And I’m for certain That in my years upon this Earth that one thing my life Has taught me is that there Are these two concrete extremes Valleys and mountains, Highs and lows, and significantly Each plays an important role In allowing us all to find A balance.
So in case you might have stopped Living, the best way to start Is find peace by knowing Who you are, listen to some Jazz, go for a bike ride, Read a book, learn to swim Laugh at someone’s joke, Say thank you after ordering Your food at a drive thru, Learn to love you, and in Doing so don’t forget to Acknowledge that every Day that your eyes open Implies that God is not done With you yet, never forget That two things that are Promised are life and death. I know some who are dead and Walking, and others who Have passed and are alive and well thriving through memories.
I suppose that when I arose This morning that this Art spoken would become My own living scripture So as I close my eyes tonight The picture of my next Adventure will come alive And before my eyes My next dream for this life May arrive….with You all in mind Until next time, Live and be glad that you did.
Quote of the day~
"You can't make a wrong into a right but you can keep something right from going wrong"~anonymous
that quote.....the movie i watched today, "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind", the series of events that have taken place over the past few days, hell, the past three months...have put me in a place of stillness. trying to quiet my mind and understand how did things end up here. i started a writing today (the hope is to make it a book, with much dedication and discipline to sit down daily and to something to it), and i actually caught a glimpse of the date. august 8, 2010....lately i've been trying to be more aware of what is going on with the universe, the cycles of the moon and how that relates to my mood, and not that i want to dismiss my actions, but more or less bring awareness to the season and events that have tremendously impacted my life in the past year, is that a year ago i lost the most dear person to me. my aunt pan, was truly a mother, role model, a friend, a confidant, a spiritual guide in my life and when i lost her, i can honestly say, my world stopped. time stopped. my heart stopped. life stopped, for me. i have spent the past 365 days dedicated to healing, to putting one step in front of the other, some days are better than others and some days i fail miserably. i have had to learn to smile, when deep down inside i was crying to the world, please someone save me. i have tried not to snap on the people i love the most for not understanding the depth of my loss, and most of all i have had to deal with the questions from akia about aunt pan that come randomly and signify the impact that she had on my daughter even in the early years of akia's life (and she's only 4)...i think the point that i'm trying to get across is that lately (hell all my life), i've had issues with letting go. accepting things having to be a certain way, all of which are seemingly out of my control. no amount of anything can change the outcome of the loss in which i've been subject to feeling and interestingly enough i can now acknowledge, that the sense of loss is what ties and connects all these events together. so in essence my most recent battle stemmed from the sense of losing something that i found to be very valuable in my life. maybe i should take the time and conduct a list of these things to see how i can learn to move past the hurt and the grief that i have appartently stored up inside. i think this blog is the very reason why i don't like to get close to people. simply because naturally i gravitate towards their spirits and vice versa and i love hard. i emotionally connect with them trying to relate and understand who they are as human beings and everytime, i seem to push people away, when all i want is for them to stay. off on a tangent i have gone, and grant it, i started this initial blog off about my aunt, and no i don't believe i pushed her away, but i brought up her death as a way to usher in the idea that maybe i'm still grieving. maybe i have yet to truly heal from alot of things (I know that is the case) and i'm actually okay with admitting that i'm petrified of the idea or thought of getting remotely close to anyone at this point in my life for fear of letting them down by them getting to know the real Naki, flaws and all. folks so hear you have it, sort of an outline that will tie into my book eventually...but before i go, the movie "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" was phenomenal. Creatively and honestly it touched on a concept that no matter how hard we try to erase memories of people we love, there will always be something, or somone to remind of us that experience, memory, or connection, that we had with that person...
Recap on the things I feel I have lost~
1. Pandora Harrell~she was the glue that held my entire family together. When she passed, my grandfather stopped living, and six months later passed away from heartbreak. Family gatherings have ceased, my mother and her sisters have fallen out and don't remain as close as they used to be. and so I have yet to step back on WVA soil, and I probably won't return. The family house will never be the same, and my grandmother has made up in her mind to move back into the house on the hill alone. Nothing seems exciting anymore. I can still remember our last phone conversation, me reading the poem I wrote her...In essence if my aunt were still alive, I belive that my family would be a lot closer. At least more close than where we are now...and that rings true with the saying "That things will NEVER be the same".
2. I've only known you for all of maybe five months. And I felt like I knew you longer than people that I have known for five years. The moment I felt you pull away. I fought tooth an nail, to keep you close. Although my lips were sealed my heart screamed please find the value in us laughing and hanging out. Somewhere I lost your interest. I lost your conversation. And I enjoyed you like I enjoyed eating my favorite stawberry cheesecake. and now that I have written things and put them into the atmosphere which has ultimately impacted the nature of our friendship I don't know if things will ever be back to where they were. And so I am left with this empty feeling of Joel (more so than Clementine) to erase the memories because I don't know how to fix this....
3. i've pondered even writing this one but i find the value in mentioning it because at some point i will have to have this conversation with akia. eleven years ago i made a decision that greatly impacted my life. i chose to engage in adult activities that i knew not the consequences and or outcomes of my actions or the impact that they would have on me physcially and or mentally. eleven years of mistaking a physical act for a deeper yearning of love and trust, that i was never given. and so the loss that i feel froom that is my time, my worth, and my value as a woman. trying to rebuild the structure of my temple that i no longer find sacred. *wheew....that made me get teary eyed*
4. we've been at this for five years now....and to me we have failed miserably. i have never known someone to hate me in the manner in which you do. and knowing that i would do anything to go back to the moment and or situations that put us in this place...to get it right. somewhere deep inside my being im still searching for forgiveness from you and validation and it serves no purpose. inspite of everything that has happened between us, i still wish the best for you. it takes to much NRG to hate, and I'd rather teach Akia and Ej how to forgive than hold a grudge.
5. my mother's trust...i could mention the incident in which i felt i lost this but i don't think i ever really had it so it wouldn't matter.
all in all, i think this list of 5 is enough to marinate. i'm off to bed. i have a headache...and let's hope and pray that i get some major cleaning done and the proposal for the F.O.C.U.S. project completed
this blogspot was intended to be for the way in which i would share with people my poetry, and happenings of my life. as of late it has turned into a battle ground of which i am not happy to admit.
i have been talking with my sis majority of the day, and as usual she reads me well. she tells me the truth about myself and i listen because i trust her to say the things from a place of wanting to see me happy and to grow. and she knows my heart and intentions. even when i'm wrong she shows me that there is place where things do get better. (when?)
the question of the day has been "what do you do now, Naki?" and i honestly do not have an answer. i have mixed emotions about the situation, i feel misunderstood and i feel as though i have misunderstood the person/friend of whom which i have deeply hurt and offended through my actions. i feel that an apology on my end would not take his pain away or dislike of me at this moment. so i admit that in all honesty, i don't have the courage to articulate the things inside that are built up in my heart. i just really don't. i can't look him in his face and know that i was responsible for him feeling the way he feels now. so i'm just going to be still for awhile. be quiet and keep to myself and just let Time*N*Space hopefully heal this wound that has been created.
i've said it before and it is so apparent now, that hurt people hurt people...and I need to just get my shit together and stop hurting the people I care and love the most.
my deepest apologies,
Naki Camille~
p.s. forgiveness is a process :( God what a mess...
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." Khalil Gibran
"No one achieves greatness by becoming a generalist. You don't hone a skill by diluting your attention to its development. The only way to get to the next level is to FOCUS." John C. Maxwell
He's my muse, I'm amused by the slightest things, his touch, yes I confess. I care for him so much. He's my adreniline rush, he makes my heart crush...and I trust with all the God in me....that I've never felt such a calm in one man's presence but from where I stand, these words were the end before it ever began.
the confessional~
1.yo, I'm concluding that I'm a Narcissicist. I have: Narcissistic Personality Disorder....and the first step to my recovery is to admit that I possess some of the characteristic traits...but truth is, ALOT OF PEOPLE do...but whatever. I'm about to go through this process of listening to my own inner voice and heal the WOMB-man that houses so much pain, hurt, wounds, and negativity. I'm ready to discover the power within. this is me being honest with self and on that note...
2. i learned how to make an expresso shot last week, and it was the most fulfilling thing I've don't lately!!!!
3. the fact that you and i have come to know each other so well, means that we don't really know each other at all. #imjustsaying
4. i have the urge to go purchase some more crayons and coloring books and color with the kids tonight at the table. maybe even paint. (terrified of the mess, but isn't that what newspaper is for) we will be at the library, for tuesday night family night that i've started.
5. 365 days my family and friends put to rest my angel, aunt, bestfriend, mentor...Precious P, R.I.H.....I love you :) your words you spoke to me, are ALIVE and well.
4. I'm working on a potential project with the director of the African American Enrichment Office at The University of Toledo geared towards challenging students to be more aware of their lives, responsibilites, and actions, by tracking their lives in a journal throughout the course of the semester. The writing is supposed to serve as creative outlet to express themselves and reflect on things that they may not conciously take into consideration or observe in their everday life. can we say #stoked
5. I'm going to a friends wedding this saturday that will be held in this amazing hip hop art gallery!...(my goal is to potentially catch the boquet, lmbo!)
6. I can't really reveal too much information just yet, but let's just say October/November are going to be major months in my career. I LOVE MY PASSION: POETRY
7. I made a mix cd, that I intend to dance to everyday...the goal is to allow my spirit to be free and dance away the negative NRG that keeps me stagnant and unable to move freely in my spirit, body, and mind...
8. random side note, but this has definitely been proven: Men always come back....(nuff said, the words speak for themself)
9. I'm uber ecstatic about my final two semesters of graduate school....PhD here I come :)!
10. I thoroughly enjoyed talking with my sister, Tish today....I love you StarFly. And more often than not I see how similar we are...bot bulls, my journey resembles yours and I hope to discover the truth about my self, like you have discovered your own. It's been amazing to see your growth. Eye Rise....
and the last thought that I desire to share is part of a verse that I'm working on:
