ESOTSM

Quote of the day~
"You can't make a wrong into a right but you can keep something right from going wrong"~anonymous



that quote.....the movie i watched today, "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind", the series of events that have taken place over the past few days, hell, the past three months...have put me in a place of stillness. trying to quiet my mind and understand how did things end up here. i started a writing today (the hope is to make it a book, with much dedication and discipline to sit down daily and to something to it), and i actually caught a glimpse of the date. august 8, 2010....lately i've been trying to be more aware of what is going on with the universe, the cycles of the moon and how that relates to my mood, and not that i want to dismiss my actions, but more or less bring awareness to the season and events that have tremendously impacted my life in the past year, is that a year ago i lost the most dear person to me. my aunt pan, was truly a mother, role model, a friend, a confidant, a spiritual guide in my life and when i lost her, i can honestly say, my world stopped. time stopped. my heart stopped. life stopped, for me. i have spent the past 365 days dedicated to healing, to putting one step in front of the other, some days are better than others and some days i fail miserably. i have had to learn to smile, when deep down inside i was crying to the world, please someone save me. i have tried not to snap on the people i love the most for not understanding the depth of my loss, and most of all i have had to deal with the questions from akia about aunt pan that come randomly and signify the impact that she had on my daughter even in the early years of akia's life (and she's only 4)...i think the point that i'm trying to get across is that lately (hell all my life), i've had issues with letting go. accepting things having to be a certain way, all of which are seemingly out of my control. no amount of anything can change the outcome of the loss in which i've been subject to feeling and interestingly enough i can now acknowledge, that the sense of loss is what ties and connects all these events together. so in essence my most recent battle stemmed from the sense of losing something that i found to be very valuable in my life. maybe i should take the time and conduct a list of these things to see how i can learn to move past the hurt and the grief that i have appartently stored up inside. i think this blog is the very reason why i don't like to get close to people. simply because naturally i gravitate towards their spirits and vice versa and i love hard. i emotionally connect with them trying to relate and understand who they are as human beings and everytime, i seem to push people away, when all i want is for them to stay. off on a tangent i have gone, and grant it, i started this initial blog off about my aunt, and no i don't believe i pushed her away, but i brought up her death as a way to usher in the idea that maybe i'm still grieving. maybe i have yet to truly heal from alot of things (I know that is the case) and i'm actually okay with admitting that i'm petrified of the idea or thought of getting remotely close to anyone at this point in my life for fear of letting them down by them getting to know the real Naki, flaws and all. folks so hear you have it, sort of an outline that will tie into my book eventually...but before i go, the movie "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" was phenomenal. Creatively and honestly it touched on a concept that no matter how hard we try to erase memories of people we love, there will always be something, or somone to remind of us that experience, memory, or connection, that we had with that person...

Recap on the things I feel I have lost~

1. Pandora Harrell~she was the glue that held my entire family together. When she passed, my grandfather stopped living, and six months later passed away from heartbreak. Family gatherings have ceased, my mother and her sisters have fallen out and don't remain as close as they used to be. and so I have yet to step back on WVA soil, and I probably won't return. The family house will never be the same, and my grandmother has made up in her mind to move back into the house on the hill alone. Nothing seems exciting anymore. I can still remember our last phone conversation, me reading the poem I wrote her...In essence if my aunt were still alive, I belive that my family would be a lot closer. At least more close than where we are now...and that rings true with the saying "That things will NEVER be the same".

2. I've only known you for all of maybe five months. And I felt like I knew you longer than people that I have known for five years. The moment I felt you pull away. I fought tooth an nail, to keep you close. Although my lips were sealed my heart screamed please find the value in us laughing and hanging out. Somewhere I lost your interest. I lost your conversation. And I enjoyed you like I enjoyed eating my favorite stawberry cheesecake. and now that I have written things and put them into the atmosphere which has ultimately impacted the nature of our friendship I don't know if things will ever be back to where they were. And so I am left with this empty feeling of Joel (more so than Clementine) to erase the memories because I don't know how to fix this....

3. i've pondered even writing this one but i find the value in mentioning it because at some point i will have to have this conversation with akia. eleven years ago i made a decision that greatly impacted my life. i chose to engage in adult activities that i knew not the consequences and or outcomes of my actions or the impact that they would have on me physcially and or mentally. eleven years of mistaking a physical act for a deeper yearning of love and trust, that i was never given. and so the loss that i feel froom that is my time, my worth, and my value as a woman. trying to rebuild the structure of my temple that i no longer find sacred. *wheew....that made me get teary eyed*

4. we've been at this for five years now....and to me we have failed miserably. i have never known someone to hate me in the manner in which you do. and knowing that i would do anything to go back to the moment and or situations that put us in this place...to get it right. somewhere deep inside my being im still searching for forgiveness from you and validation and it serves no purpose. inspite of everything that has happened between us, i still wish the best for you. it takes to much NRG to hate, and I'd rather teach Akia and Ej how to forgive than hold a grudge.

5. my mother's trust...i could mention the incident in which i felt i lost this but i don't think i ever really had it so it wouldn't matter.


all in all, i think this list of 5 is enough to marinate. i'm off to bed. i have a headache...and let's hope and pray that i get some major cleaning done and the proposal for the F.O.C.U.S. project completed