The Fear of Writing

It's late and I should be sleep, but actually around this time of night is when I feel the most productive. So I convinced myself that I should post on my blog tonight. My hope is that while pouring my heart out here that something takes place from within and transform all the mystery in my life currently and brings it to the light so that I can make some sense of it. So my question to all you writers/artist out there...Have you ever been afraid of your gift/talent? Fearful in the sense where you know it is probably the most therapeutic and sane thing you could probably engage in yet you find yourself distracted 99.9% of the time and avoiding that very thing that heals you for whatever reason. Please tell me I'm not alone? I was texting a friend of mine earlier this evening and I had shared with him that I struggle with the discipline of writing everyday. Majority of the time, especially as of late, there has not been anything keeping me from sitting down and putting pen to paper or finger to keys and just purging myself. Often times it's the thought process before hand that just consumes me and becomes way to much to deal with. This is the moment when I miss being 16. When life was a lot less overwhelming and I was much more brave. There was nothing that compared to my coming home after track practice, turning on the television and sitting down on the floor in front of the couch with my blanket and pillow and a notebook and writing about my day. Maybe my life is just that boring? Whatever the case is I have found myself in a serious drought. With deadlines quickly approaching for my thesis (which is a book of poetry, prose, and verbal rants) I feel like the pressure is too much. I found myself sitting in church Sunday actually contemplating walking away from the whole poetry scene. Retiring my pen and just well swallowing my pride and committing my life to something real tangible, like a 9-5 job...(read two post ago about my liberation of quitting my then job at Verizon Wireless). None the less I have found myself to be at a mid life crisis. Where nothing is concrete or certain. My life no longer feels stable and I have no real clear direction to turn. A lot of creative ideas, a passion for words, writing, and a fear of failing while going for what genuinely makes me happy and feels like I'm actually contributing to this world. My prayer is that this writing thing is not in vain...let the healing begin. (I'm off to bed)

Peace and poetry...